I am terrible at retorts. Just ask anyone who has ever dissed me, or been present when I’ve been dissed. What generally happens is at first, I’m incredulous. Next, I try to figure out if I’ve actually been insulted or whether I’m just imagining it, or maybe I’m being too sensitive? By the time I figure out the insult is legitimate, so much time has elapsed that the window of opportunity for a blistering retort has closed.

I figure it’s time I got my shit together.

I want my retort locked and loaded. I was thinking of coming up with a long list of clever responses that could be applied to specific situations, but that seemed impractical. A better idea would be to have an all-purpose comeback. So yesterday, after the public humiliation I received at the hands of a colleague, I thought long and hard and came up with one that I thought would work well in pretty much any situation: Go fuck yourself.

I’m just itching for the chance to try it out.