December 2008
26 posts
Maxxed Out
Earlier today I was shopping at T.J. Maxx. I’m easily overwhelmed and better off going to stores with limited merchandise in a narrow range of styles and colors, but sometimes I find myself perversely eager to be assaulted by T.J. Maxx’s carnival atmosphere.
I was in the “knits” aisle (indistinguishable, content-wise, from the adjacent “sweaters” aisle) diligently...
Research
I was in the car with Micah yesterday when he asked me if I knew who Ron Jeremy was.
“No,” I said. “But I know the name from that nasty but catchy Sublime song.”
“Yeah. I was just wondering because they talked about him in the movie me and Dom and Austin rented last night,” Micah said.
“Which was?”
“American Wedding. It’s, like, the...
Neighbor to Planet: Drop Dead
Like many, I am a hardcore recycler. My daily run takes me past the imposing home of a wealthy neighbor who refuses to recycle, despite local ordinances to do so. This neighbor is a legendarily conspicuous consumer (take the four luxury SUVs in the driveway) and boasts a manicured, pesticide-laden, eerily emerald green lawn. Every week, his trash towers at the end of his driveway, a...
Alarm
The night before last, I placed my fourth call to the police about my neighbor’s security alarm, which had been going off for ten minutes at ten minute intervals over the past forty-eight hours. It was 3:30 a.m. and the wah-wah-wah-wah of the siren had once again roused us from our ten-minute slumber. In my three previous calls, I’d been directed to the desk sergeant, who was all...
Regret
I took a walk with my best friend Claudia this morning. We were talking about how Bush seems to be getting interviewed on every major network, answering questions ranging from his plans for the future to reflections on his time in office. Claudia thought it was odd that one thing he stated as a regret was that he wished the intelligence leading up to the start of the war in Iraq had...
Cats
My cousin’s husband is a brilliant businessman. He is able to see potential in things that most of us do not. In fact, thirty years ago he was CFO of a Seattle-based telecommunications company that was trying to launch a product many considered a long shot: the cellular telephone. Thanks to the success of that venture, he now free to do whatever he wants, and one thing he enjoys is...
The Point
The secret point of money and power in America is neither the things that money can buy nor power for power’s sake … but absolute personal freedom, mobility, privacy. It is the instinct which drove America to the Pacific, all through the nineteenth century, the desire to be able to find a restaurant open in case you want a sandwich, to be a free agent, live by one’s own rules.
This quote...
Winter
When did this happen? When did winter go from magical fairyland to bane of my existence? I think it happened around the time I determined that sleep is a state to be coveted, as opposed to resisted. These recent reversals of youthful opinion have assumed a tragic aspect, since not only do I live in the Northeast, which turns into a frigid wasteland six months of the year, I also live...
Resistance
When I woke up yesterday morning I could feel a cold coming on. So far, I’ve been able to stave it off with handfuls of chewable vitamin C and my fierce determination to maintain a positive attitude. I know that even the slightest emotional upset could effectively derail my immune system and push me over the edge, causing the annoying tickle in my throat to morph into fiery...
Apples to Apples
People make fun of my penchant for watching Wifeswap. Hey, if you think Wifeswap is bad, Trading Spouses, which is the Fox Wifeswap equivalent, is without redemption. Unlike Wifeswap, Trading Spouses has no week one in which the new wife assumes the old wife’s responsibilities, and no week two, in which she is allowed to impose changes she thinks might be beneficial. In Trading...
Filter
Yesterday, Eliza and I drove to pick Sarah up at the train station. It was snowing hard, so a trip which usually takes under a half an hour took approximately forever.
Still, it was worth any amount of travel travail to have my kids under one roof. As we inched along, Eliza started listing the reasons she was happy to be home, like digital cable and not having to empty out her roommate’s ashtray....
Remorse
The fourth drink at a holiday party is never a good idea. The fourth drink is the siren’s song of the three drinks preceding it. Those three fishbowl sized glasses of wine call out to the fun-loving, the unwary, What the hell? What’s one more?
Resist them! That fourth drink isn’t going to benefit you in any way. If you’re already saying things that, if you can remember them...
Ponzi
What is known as a Ponzi scheme is apparently to blame for Wall Street’s latest calamity. The scheme gets its name from Charles Ponzi, the early twentieth century swindler who devised it, but if you didn’t know, wouldn’t you say Ponzi sounds playful, like something Elmo and Cookie Monster might dream up to annoy Oscar? To characterize a Ponzi scheme as “devastating” sounds like one of...
Tick Tock
I am not a fan of occasions that mark the passage of time. Birthdays fall into this category, and I consider them particularly unsettling. I’m fine with celebrations like Christmas, with its focus on gifts, or Thanksgiving, with its emphasis on food, but it is very difficult to ignore the fact that birthdays are the clock ticking. While time is the cosmic continuum which defines our very...
Transparency
Everyone I know has both a private and a public persona, each possessing a distinct voice. The public voice reflects the person we want the world to see; unfailingly intelligent and honest, circumspect and moral. Our private voice hails from our dark side, but generally only our closest friends and family are privy to it-that is, unless your phone is being tapped, as was the case with...
Devotion? I Think Not.
Last night, our cat Matty slept in our bed. This is hardly unusual. Specifically, he sprawls over my pillow, and by extension, my head. Before you think awwwww, how cute, you should know that a. it’s impossible to sleep with a large cat blocking your airway and b. Matty and I don’t have that kind of relationship.
Sam and Matty, on the other hand, do. Sam lets Matty drape limply...
Evolution
Last night Sam and I went to a party at our neighbors’ house. They are a genteel older couple, socially prominent and involved in the arts and culture scene in New Haven. They didn’t know Sam, so I was happy they’d finally get a chance to meet one another.
I was in the middle of grading term papers while Sam was getting ready, so I wasn’t paying attention to his attire. As we...
Homebo
I was griping to my friend Pamela about feeling like a recluse, between my bum ankle and the cold weather.
“My old neighbor was a recluse,” she told me.
“How did you meet him, then?”
“Some of his mail was delivered to me by accident, so I took it over to him. He was actually quite friendly; he just had no interest in leaving his house. Ever.” This struck me as kind of depressing. Pamela agreed....
Sweater
It’s cold today. There’s a layer of snow coating the ground, which makes the world outside my window look like a corny New England cliché. It also makes walking, even for those, unlike myself, fortunate enough not to be hobbled by a calamitous injury, extremely treacherous. So, I am playing it safe, and staying inside.
Our house is notoriously cold and drafty, so I hopped...
Wipeout
I was running yesterday morning when I landed on a large chunk of gravel, rolled my ankle, and completely and spectacularly wiped out. I didn’t even have that frozen, surreal moment of terrible certainty that I was going down. One moment I was running, and the next I was sprawled on the pavement.
My running partner and best friend, Claudia, was awesome. To her credit, she didn’t laugh,...
Recognition Factor
Right now, I am looking at a glossy magazine ad for Chanel Number 5 featuring an attractive blond woman wearing diamond earrings and a pink feather boa. She might be Nicole Kidman, but then, I’m not actually sure.
If this is Kidman, I’d have to tack her on to the growing list of celebrities who have reinvented themselves to the point that they are no longer recognizable....
The Secret Life of Bees
Our middle school is having a spelling bee this Friday.
I had a dream about it last night. The dream took place where the spelling bee will take place in real life, in the school gym, only in my dream, the gym was trashed. It looked like the aftermath of some cosmically insane frat party. I was leading my seventh graders, many of them drunk or stoned and throwing up, to a...
You Are What You Eat
Yesterday was dismal. There was a nasty chill in the air and we were all feeling unmotivated. Those of us dozing in the family room eventually resorted to the television. There were football games and The Lord of the Rings, which we’d seen multiple times and then, somehow, we landed on a documentary about the morbidly obese. I guess I’m trying to offer up this sluggish Sunday afternoon...